Today marks day 730. Two full years have passed since my new label was given me.
Survivor.
Technically I have been a "survivor" for decades. Many, if not most of us are. We survive abuse, divorce, failure, disappointment but this was different. This was silent, invisible and without warning. The "big one"- the Widow Maker. The cardiologist was very clear in his amazement of my survival, explaining what a miracle it was that I was alive. Which left me with one large nagging question: Why?
That question evolved into several, What was I supposed to do with this gift of time? Would I be healthy enough to do anything? How much time, exactly, was there?
Survivor.
Technically I have been a "survivor" for decades. Many, if not most of us are. We survive abuse, divorce, failure, disappointment but this was different. This was silent, invisible and without warning. The "big one"- the Widow Maker. The cardiologist was very clear in his amazement of my survival, explaining what a miracle it was that I was alive. Which left me with one large nagging question: Why?
That question evolved into several, What was I supposed to do with this gift of time? Would I be healthy enough to do anything? How much time, exactly, was there?
I've had the opportunity to be the primary caretaker for several people who had a terminal diagnosis. They were given a "heads up" if you will. They were given a span of time for the opportunity to have conversations or reconciliations before death. Often you hear people who have a terminal diagnosis say something about wanting more time. More time to experience _____________.
Did something come to mind?
Did something come to mind?
I would dearly love to say that I cherished each extra day. That I spent each gifted moment with friends in laughter or sharing great family time. I'd love to say that every morning I faithfully spent time with the Lord of my life, or enjoyed the beautiful setting of the Colorado Mountains with renewed appreciation. I would be thrilled to report that broken relationships all have miraculously been restored because everyone realized life is fragile and to be cherished.
The truth is that within hours of coming home from the hospital most things were business as usual. The people around me with few exceptions went right back to their lives. Everything was the same dysfunctional "normal" in the days after the heart attack. Oh sure some things were different. I didn't feel good, I had a new supply of medications, new appointments to keep and a new work out regiment but by and large, everything was just about the same. Everything but Me.
There is a longing now. An urgency that I can't seem to explain. It has haunted me at times. The kind of gnawing that keeps you awake at night. This deep seated desire in my heart (no pun intended) for true genuine relationships, honesty, unity and legacy. The desire for purpose and to use the gifted time well in service to the One who gifts time.
There have been some simple things I have gotten to witness because of this extra time. Walks on a hiking trail with sunshine on my face, the opportunity to ride in a boat across a clear lake, watching a pre-teen boy make his first bucket in basketball and the resulting huge smile erupting on his surprised face. The ability to have bible study discussions with real seekers or watching people I love ski on a sunny day in the Colorado high country. Big moments have also been given me in this stretch of time. A beautiful wedding in an aspen meadow inthe shadow of Pikes Peak on a perfect September day, the ability to cuddle a newborn Haitian baby who wasn't suppose to survive, being able to comfort a family dealing with a deadly diagnosis and watching them handle that news with grace and love in the sweltering heat of a third world country. The complete joy in building relationship with one of the prodigals, and the announcement that my newest grand-baby is at this moment being knit together by the Creator.
I realize now what I was to focus on in these past 2 years of my life. It's the same thing that I was given opportunity to learn in the first 54 years, 3 months and 12 days. Scripture says it best:
"I was under great pressure, far beyond my ability to endure, so that I despaired even of life. Indeed, in my heart I felt the sentence of death. But this happened that I might not rely on myself but on God, who raises the dead." (2 Corinthians 1:8b- 11-I personalized it by changing the pronouns, the emphasis mine)
I am indeed a new creation, the old is passed away, the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
May I be reminded to use my gifted future to rely on God, the Creator of it all.
I realize now what I was to focus on in these past 2 years of my life. It's the same thing that I was given opportunity to learn in the first 54 years, 3 months and 12 days. Scripture says it best:
"I was under great pressure, far beyond my ability to endure, so that I despaired even of life. Indeed, in my heart I felt the sentence of death. But this happened that I might not rely on myself but on God, who raises the dead." (2 Corinthians 1:8b- 11-I personalized it by changing the pronouns, the emphasis mine)
I am indeed a new creation, the old is passed away, the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
May I be reminded to use my gifted future to rely on God, the Creator of it all.
― Shannon L. Alder
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